It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
