Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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