ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
