i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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