They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
