The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
