Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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