i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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