I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
