i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
