I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize