Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
