Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
