fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just wanna soil my oats bro
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
