shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
