I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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