Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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