I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
