How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
