I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
