please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
