i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
