Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
