You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
