I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
