Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just blew my weed a kiss
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
