And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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