If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
