Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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