You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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