My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
it's great music for shaving your balls
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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