If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
