I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
