Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
