Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
