3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
