god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Bring me that man meat
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
