There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize