Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
