i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
