Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
