i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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