Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just want to make out with him forever
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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