she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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