Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
