i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
