Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
