On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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