I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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