i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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