i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
