stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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