Sry I called you an 8
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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