Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
