Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
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