I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
