My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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