so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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